Friday 7 November 2008
Lumps, Bumps & Haircuts
OMG I have SOOOO made the right decision about my weight! I am 12 days banded now and absolutely LOVING it! I lost 8 kgs on Optifast, another 4 kgs on fluid stage and am feeling FANBLOODYTASTIC!!!
My skin is clear, my hair is shiny, I actually have a neck, I have so much more energy, my sleep apnoea is already getting better and I can’t stop smiling! It really feels like I have started a new phase in my life and I am so proud of myself for climbing out of the rut I was in.
Hang on, I know it won’t all be plain sailing from here - and I have already had a few bumps with reality along the way – but overall I am so happy with the way things are going that I can still face the bumps with a smile.
The first reality bump was really more of a lump than a bump. My body is generally not co-operating with my plans for its redesign. Yes, I have lost weight, but there seems to be no clear plan about where it is going to come from and when! One day its my ankles, then its my neck, then my thighs, then my bum, then for ages the only difference I can see is my eyelids! But what on earth happened to my belly!!!! Not bloody much I can tell you! So the result is that now I have a whole wardrobe of clown pants – that fit around the waist but flap around everywhere else LOL!!
Last weekend I decided to head off to Autograph to try to see if I can find some pants that look slightly less ridiculous – only to find myself paranoid that the shop assistant will walk in to the change room and reveal my scars and I will have to explain to the whole store that I have defected to the dark side! No need to say, I couldn’t squeeze into the smaller size anyway :-(
So I drag out as many skirts as I can find out of lost and found (the bottom of my wardrobe) and dress up like it is 35 degrees outside (instead of 20 and threatening to rain) and head off for my first day back at work, waiting for the exclamations about how different I look. It is only then that I realise that the skirts now hide the majority of the weight loss and people I haven’t seen for 4 weeks greet me with “Have you had a hair cut?” !!
Well, it has been a bloody expensive and traumatic haircut but it has certainly been the best investment in myself I have ever made. Despite the reality bumps and hiccups yet to come, I am still feeling absolutely wonderful :-)
My skin is clear, my hair is shiny, I actually have a neck, I have so much more energy, my sleep apnoea is already getting better and I can’t stop smiling! It really feels like I have started a new phase in my life and I am so proud of myself for climbing out of the rut I was in.
Hang on, I know it won’t all be plain sailing from here - and I have already had a few bumps with reality along the way – but overall I am so happy with the way things are going that I can still face the bumps with a smile.
The first reality bump was really more of a lump than a bump. My body is generally not co-operating with my plans for its redesign. Yes, I have lost weight, but there seems to be no clear plan about where it is going to come from and when! One day its my ankles, then its my neck, then my thighs, then my bum, then for ages the only difference I can see is my eyelids! But what on earth happened to my belly!!!! Not bloody much I can tell you! So the result is that now I have a whole wardrobe of clown pants – that fit around the waist but flap around everywhere else LOL!!
Last weekend I decided to head off to Autograph to try to see if I can find some pants that look slightly less ridiculous – only to find myself paranoid that the shop assistant will walk in to the change room and reveal my scars and I will have to explain to the whole store that I have defected to the dark side! No need to say, I couldn’t squeeze into the smaller size anyway :-(
So I drag out as many skirts as I can find out of lost and found (the bottom of my wardrobe) and dress up like it is 35 degrees outside (instead of 20 and threatening to rain) and head off for my first day back at work, waiting for the exclamations about how different I look. It is only then that I realise that the skirts now hide the majority of the weight loss and people I haven’t seen for 4 weeks greet me with “Have you had a hair cut?” !!
Well, it has been a bloody expensive and traumatic haircut but it has certainly been the best investment in myself I have ever made. Despite the reality bumps and hiccups yet to come, I am still feeling absolutely wonderful :-)
Friday 31 October 2008
I am finally back in the land of the living after being banded on Monday. Had a couple of rough days with a reaction to the anaesthetic (badly nauseated, dry retching, bloating, - followed by a temp and high white cell count which may or may not have been a reaction to one of the 6 different anti-nausea drugs they gave me the day before) so didn't get out of hospital until yesterday.
My surgeon (Chris Hensman from Lapband Australia) was fantastic, though. He made sure that i stayed in hospital until he was absolutely happy that I would be ok - even though the ICU staff didn't always agree.
For the most part the hospital staff were great, but a few things happened that shocked me a bit. The first was on day one when the nurse (in ICU for goodness sake) admitted that she didn't know what a lapband operation was - and then seemed to have no experience with any sort of laproscopic surgery (very scary!). Then when I was ill, the ICU doctors seemed to get into a bit of a p*ss*ing contest with my surgeon - deciding the medication he prescribed was a lousy choice and constantly changing the meds on order. I have a feeling in the end that Chris discharged me simply so that he knew for certain his orders would be followed!
The worst thing, though was when another surgeon visited a lapband patient who arrived from theatre on the last day and started scolding her loudly about the state of her liver - then informed her she had an extra stab wound in a tone that said pretty clearly "serves you right"!! He was an absolute pig!
I suppose, especially when you have had really supportive care from your own medical team, you start to believe that everyone in the medical profession will be sympathetic to you when you finally make a decision to do something that will improve your health. It a bit of a rude shock to find that they have the same prejudices and preconceptions as the rest of the world - and for them this is just a (very lucrative) job. I know that we all need to be reminded sometimes the responsibility of being banded and the need to work with it, but you can be firm without being insulting. I wonder if he realises the damage he could be doing to that poor girl's mental health right now?
My only shame is that I didn't get out of bed and defend the girl - nor even go to her afterward. It just felt like such a horrible breach of privacy that i didn't want her to know anyone had heard. I suppose the only thing I can do now is to resolved to tell my surgeon about it, in the hope that something can be done in future. I only hope that there can be a compulsory addition to a lapband surgeon's training to ensure they understand how vulnerable some of their patients can be!
To the young lapband patient in Knox Hospital ICU - I can only say I am truly sorry I didn't support you when you needed it. Your surgeon is a pr*ck and you deserve far better! I hope you find a better surgeon and get all the support you need for a full and fantastic life ahead.
My surgeon (Chris Hensman from Lapband Australia) was fantastic, though. He made sure that i stayed in hospital until he was absolutely happy that I would be ok - even though the ICU staff didn't always agree.
For the most part the hospital staff were great, but a few things happened that shocked me a bit. The first was on day one when the nurse (in ICU for goodness sake) admitted that she didn't know what a lapband operation was - and then seemed to have no experience with any sort of laproscopic surgery (very scary!). Then when I was ill, the ICU doctors seemed to get into a bit of a p*ss*ing contest with my surgeon - deciding the medication he prescribed was a lousy choice and constantly changing the meds on order. I have a feeling in the end that Chris discharged me simply so that he knew for certain his orders would be followed!
The worst thing, though was when another surgeon visited a lapband patient who arrived from theatre on the last day and started scolding her loudly about the state of her liver - then informed her she had an extra stab wound in a tone that said pretty clearly "serves you right"!! He was an absolute pig!
I suppose, especially when you have had really supportive care from your own medical team, you start to believe that everyone in the medical profession will be sympathetic to you when you finally make a decision to do something that will improve your health. It a bit of a rude shock to find that they have the same prejudices and preconceptions as the rest of the world - and for them this is just a (very lucrative) job. I know that we all need to be reminded sometimes the responsibility of being banded and the need to work with it, but you can be firm without being insulting. I wonder if he realises the damage he could be doing to that poor girl's mental health right now?
My only shame is that I didn't get out of bed and defend the girl - nor even go to her afterward. It just felt like such a horrible breach of privacy that i didn't want her to know anyone had heard. I suppose the only thing I can do now is to resolved to tell my surgeon about it, in the hope that something can be done in future. I only hope that there can be a compulsory addition to a lapband surgeon's training to ensure they understand how vulnerable some of their patients can be!
To the young lapband patient in Knox Hospital ICU - I can only say I am truly sorry I didn't support you when you needed it. Your surgeon is a pr*ck and you deserve far better! I hope you find a better surgeon and get all the support you need for a full and fantastic life ahead.
Sunday 19 October 2008
Too Good to Last:-(
Thanks everyone for your kind words about the McDonalds challenge, but I've got to confess the first excitement about conquering Optifast is pretty much gone now. I was ok until Thursday, when I was suddenly absolutely ravenous, but I put that down to a day of irregular meals and just soldiered on (I'm pretty certain my OH was calling me "Major Bitch" under his breath!!).
Since then I have really struggled - often not so much with real hunger, but certainly with head hunger. Absolutely sick of sweet flavourings (especially artificial sweetener), and craving savoury things so much that I actually resorted to sucking on half a teaspoon of Vegemite just to get that salt fix. Why is it that the optifast people can make a vanilla shake taste salty (while pretending to be sweet - yuk!) but can't make a decent soup or savoury snack???
Enough whingeing! There are a lot of positives happening if I stop to think about them.
OH (picture a cross between Steve Irwin and Scotty Cam) is not the type to sit down for long and have a conversation about anything other than the latest specials at Bunnings. But I took the counsellor's advice, and started talking to him in bite-sized chunks - and he seems a lot more relaxed and realistic about the whole thing, so things feel a lot better on that front.
People at work are being fantastic (even the ones who werea bit phased by the idea at first) - and I even had on of the newer girls fess up to me that she had her stomach stapled years ago, but hasn't told anyone at work but me - she has been really sweet!
Last but not least, I have actually LOST WEIGHT - and that is feeling really good! So maybe I can deal with just one more week of Opti (and Vegemite!) LOL!
Since then I have really struggled - often not so much with real hunger, but certainly with head hunger. Absolutely sick of sweet flavourings (especially artificial sweetener), and craving savoury things so much that I actually resorted to sucking on half a teaspoon of Vegemite just to get that salt fix. Why is it that the optifast people can make a vanilla shake taste salty (while pretending to be sweet - yuk!) but can't make a decent soup or savoury snack???
Enough whingeing! There are a lot of positives happening if I stop to think about them.
OH (picture a cross between Steve Irwin and Scotty Cam) is not the type to sit down for long and have a conversation about anything other than the latest specials at Bunnings. But I took the counsellor's advice, and started talking to him in bite-sized chunks - and he seems a lot more relaxed and realistic about the whole thing, so things feel a lot better on that front.
People at work are being fantastic (even the ones who werea bit phased by the idea at first) - and I even had on of the newer girls fess up to me that she had her stomach stapled years ago, but hasn't told anyone at work but me - she has been really sweet!
Last but not least, I have actually LOST WEIGHT - and that is feeling really good! So maybe I can deal with just one more week of Opti (and Vegemite!) LOL!
Tuesday 14 October 2008
Woo Hoo to me!!
I cannot believe it - 2 days in to the optifast diet and I end up at McDonalds - AND DIDN"T BREAK MY DIET!!!
Had a meeting after work today and was planning on having O/F soup for dinner when people had a coffee break - only to find these people are superhuman and don't stop for anything!
By the time the meeting ended my tummy had stopped rumbling and I almost decided to go without - but then thought I would fall asleep on the hour long drive home if I didn't have something.
Those big golden arches were beckoning me from just down the street - so I took a deep breath - drove up to the drive thru - ordered garden salad and a cup of hot water - and made up my soup for a soup'n'salad dinner.
I AM SOOOOO GOOD!
Had a meeting after work today and was planning on having O/F soup for dinner when people had a coffee break - only to find these people are superhuman and don't stop for anything!
By the time the meeting ended my tummy had stopped rumbling and I almost decided to go without - but then thought I would fall asleep on the hour long drive home if I didn't have something.
Those big golden arches were beckoning me from just down the street - so I took a deep breath - drove up to the drive thru - ordered garden salad and a cup of hot water - and made up my soup for a soup'n'salad dinner.
I AM SOOOOO GOOD!
Thursday 9 October 2008
The Last Supper(s)
Only 3 more days to go until the Optifast prelude to getting banded begins, so I have arranged a lunch out for the team at work today, as well as a final bash on Sunday night for the family. The plan was to go crazy with all that food that I know I will miss over the next couple of months or more - I think hot bread will soon be gone forever ;-( .
The really weird thing is, although I am looking forward to the get-togethers, I'm not excited about the food at all!. I don't know whether the pig-outs I have had over the past few weeks have proved to be fantastic aversion therapy, or whether I have reassured myself that I can deal with the Optifast stage by replacing lunches over the past week???
Whatever the reason, it feels fantastic to NOT CARE ABOUT FOOD (OMG who me???!!!). Food has played such a large part of my life, and has been at the centre of every gathering or celebration I am part of (I am reknowned at work for never being able to arrange a team meeting without "just a few snacks to keep us going" making the table groan!). But it seems that this week at least it is all about the people - who have been absolutely wonderful to me (except maybe for my OH, who is having a hard time figuring out where he fits into it all - but I'll leave that story for another day). I am really looking forward to spending time with them.
I have even found a way to make the horrible vanilla shakes taste great (vanilla is horribly salty (!), strawberry shakes are OK and Berry-Choc bars are YUM!). Someone on Yahoo mentioned putting diet jelly crystals into the vanilla shakes - so I took my inspiration from there and added pineapple jelly crystals and a drop of coconut essence - PINA COLADAS!!!!
LOL I just realised that I am more excited about a pina colada diet shake than a gorgeous restaurant meal - NOW I have something to talk about to the shrink on Friday!
The really weird thing is, although I am looking forward to the get-togethers, I'm not excited about the food at all!. I don't know whether the pig-outs I have had over the past few weeks have proved to be fantastic aversion therapy, or whether I have reassured myself that I can deal with the Optifast stage by replacing lunches over the past week???
Whatever the reason, it feels fantastic to NOT CARE ABOUT FOOD (OMG who me???!!!). Food has played such a large part of my life, and has been at the centre of every gathering or celebration I am part of (I am reknowned at work for never being able to arrange a team meeting without "just a few snacks to keep us going" making the table groan!). But it seems that this week at least it is all about the people - who have been absolutely wonderful to me (except maybe for my OH, who is having a hard time figuring out where he fits into it all - but I'll leave that story for another day). I am really looking forward to spending time with them.
I have even found a way to make the horrible vanilla shakes taste great (vanilla is horribly salty (!), strawberry shakes are OK and Berry-Choc bars are YUM!). Someone on Yahoo mentioned putting diet jelly crystals into the vanilla shakes - so I took my inspiration from there and added pineapple jelly crystals and a drop of coconut essence - PINA COLADAS!!!!
LOL I just realised that I am more excited about a pina colada diet shake than a gorgeous restaurant meal - NOW I have something to talk about to the shrink on Friday!
Sunday 5 October 2008
Don't trust everything you read!
Just had the biggest laugh in ages! Yesterday I decided if I was going to get serious about this weight loss thing then it might be good to know what I weigh! I have avoided scales in the house for years (especially after I broke the last one!), and just close my eyes whenever a doctor asks me to step on a scale.
Anyway, I took myself off to KMart to buy a set of scales, got home, jumped on and watched the numbers spinning around to discover I had gained 2.5kgs since the lapband assessment appointment 3 weeks ago. This did make sense because I have been eating like a horse ever since, thinking that surely a condemned woman deserved a last pig-out. But it also made me feel felt sufficiently guilty that I went online to order the revolting diet milkshake muck that I need to start in a week's time. I even thought that I might get a head start replacing one meal a day or so this week with the stuff to make up for my bad behaviour.
Well, the weight-loss goddess up there must have appreciated my good intentions because this morning a miracle happened! I stood on the scale to find I had lost 30 KILOS!!!!! Of course, each time I stepped on and off the scale it went to a different place in fantasyland, each more ridiculous than the last.
So it looks like I have broken yet another scale! I really feel this is telling me something. I went on another bandit's blog this morning where she had put up some photos showing her six-month before and after shots. The numbers that went with the pictures were impressive, and her body had changed incredibly, but it was the expression on her face that had the most impact. She seemed do much more relaxed and alive and truly happy; it couldn't help but bring tears to your eyes. So I'll try not to get caught up too much in the weight-loss obsession with numbers from now on and concentrate more on how I feel within (but I might have a little peek at the doctor's surgery scale every now and then !).
Anyway, I took myself off to KMart to buy a set of scales, got home, jumped on and watched the numbers spinning around to discover I had gained 2.5kgs since the lapband assessment appointment 3 weeks ago. This did make sense because I have been eating like a horse ever since, thinking that surely a condemned woman deserved a last pig-out. But it also made me feel felt sufficiently guilty that I went online to order the revolting diet milkshake muck that I need to start in a week's time. I even thought that I might get a head start replacing one meal a day or so this week with the stuff to make up for my bad behaviour.
Well, the weight-loss goddess up there must have appreciated my good intentions because this morning a miracle happened! I stood on the scale to find I had lost 30 KILOS!!!!! Of course, each time I stepped on and off the scale it went to a different place in fantasyland, each more ridiculous than the last.
So it looks like I have broken yet another scale! I really feel this is telling me something. I went on another bandit's blog this morning where she had put up some photos showing her six-month before and after shots. The numbers that went with the pictures were impressive, and her body had changed incredibly, but it was the expression on her face that had the most impact. She seemed do much more relaxed and alive and truly happy; it couldn't help but bring tears to your eyes. So I'll try not to get caught up too much in the weight-loss obsession with numbers from now on and concentrate more on how I feel within (but I might have a little peek at the doctor's surgery scale every now and then !).
Saturday 4 October 2008
Changes
There have been a lot of changes in my life over the years. I have moved house more times than I can count; I have married and divorced and re-partnered; I have become a parent and a step parent, and a step-grandparent (really freaky!); I have lost my own parent; I have changed my name; I have changed careers; I have joined and left community groups; and returned to study several times.
In my experience change always brings an element of fear - even the changes you choose for yourself. That little butterfly under your ribs that begs for an escape route just in case you have made a dumb choice is always there, but this time there isn't any butterfly. It is a huge Major Mitchell cockatoo beating its wings and squawking away. And what's more I have brought it all on myself!
The one constant in my life has always been my weight. I have finally given up all the polite language and excuses that I used to describe myself in the past - I am just plain fat! It has taken me a long time to realise the way that food has controlled my life, but I have finally decided it is time to break that control once and for all. I have booked in for lap-band surgery on October 27th.
I know all the arguments for and against, and I know lots of people will think I am cheating. I am more than willing to have that debate later on if anyone wants to comment. But right now just believe me when I say it is the right choice for me - and I know there is much more to do than just the surgery, but without it I won't be able to start.
But despite all the changesI have already experienced, and the fact I am convinced this is what I should do - this feels like the BIG one! I am scared witless! Not about the surgery as such, but about the changes that will roll on throughout the rest of my life. No more flab to hide behind, no more reasons to hold back, no more excuses - it is finally time to get to know me! I just hope I like her!
In my experience change always brings an element of fear - even the changes you choose for yourself. That little butterfly under your ribs that begs for an escape route just in case you have made a dumb choice is always there, but this time there isn't any butterfly. It is a huge Major Mitchell cockatoo beating its wings and squawking away. And what's more I have brought it all on myself!
The one constant in my life has always been my weight. I have finally given up all the polite language and excuses that I used to describe myself in the past - I am just plain fat! It has taken me a long time to realise the way that food has controlled my life, but I have finally decided it is time to break that control once and for all. I have booked in for lap-band surgery on October 27th.
I know all the arguments for and against, and I know lots of people will think I am cheating. I am more than willing to have that debate later on if anyone wants to comment. But right now just believe me when I say it is the right choice for me - and I know there is much more to do than just the surgery, but without it I won't be able to start.
But despite all the changesI have already experienced, and the fact I am convinced this is what I should do - this feels like the BIG one! I am scared witless! Not about the surgery as such, but about the changes that will roll on throughout the rest of my life. No more flab to hide behind, no more reasons to hold back, no more excuses - it is finally time to get to know me! I just hope I like her!
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